Creative Writing, Poetry, The Fine Line

My Vices

My vices get the better of me,

I am disobedient,
They tell me – be obedient,
But then I find that once again
I am disobedient

I hate my enemies,
They tell me – love your enemies,
And then, I find that, once again
I hate my enemies

I am drunk,
They tell me – do not succumb to drunkenness,
And then, once again, I find that
I am drunk

I lie, to hide the truth I lie,
They tell me – be honest,
And then I, once again find that
I lie

I take, take, take,
They tell me instead – to give,
And then I find, once again, that
I take

I am afraid,
They tell me – do not be afraid,
And then I find that, once again
I am afraid

Help!

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Musings

Faith, not logic.

I think a lot about life, not necessarily about the origins of it, but the point of it. I went to do the alpha course last year, it was an amazing experience and I definitely recommend it to everyone (Atheists, Buddhists, Muslims and Christians a like). It’s a place to explore and share ideas and hear other people’s points of views, and there is no obligation to accept anything or even to continue going. In the first week they usually ask you a question: “If you could ask God one question, what would it be?” Initially I couldn’t think of just one question, but when it go to my turn I blurted out, ‘Why did you create us?’ every looked at me with bobbing heads, somewhat in agreement. I continued, ‘Like, you’re God and you don’t actually need us for anything, why did you bother to create us?’
I am a Christian, and I have been for a little while now, about two years. I still have questions like that, and I am not sure there will ever be a direct answer to my question. I’ve looked into what the ‘world’ has to offer as an answer for my creation, and often times I find that the world believes there was no reason, we are because we just are. The church offers the answer, God created us to do his will, to go out and share the good news. Which I find as a slightly more fulfilling explanation, but it still doesn’t answer my question. I think and I reason, had we never been created in the first place we would have never succumbed to sin and there would be no need for the good news, because everything would be good.
I have resolved that ignorance is not bliss, but neither is logic. The Christian faith is not logic, it does not claim to be. Logic is, by definition, reasoning conducted or assessed according to strict principles of validity. Faith, which is completely opposed to that is, strong beliefs based on spiritual conviction rather than proof. The Christian faith is complicated and possibly almost unbelievable, but it is real. C.S. Lewis, puts it like this:
It is no good asking for a simple religion. After all, real things are not simple. They look simple, but they are not. The table I am sitting at looks simple: but ask a scientist to tell you what it is really made of-all about the atoms and how the light waves rebound from them and hit my eye and what they do to the optic nerve and what it does to my brain-and, of course, you find that what we call “seeing a table” lands you in mysteries and complications which you can hardly get to the end of.’ (Mere Christianity, 1943)
As a Christian you will believe that the Bible is the word of God. Where God says, in Isaiah 55:8-9, “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher that you ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” He is telling us that this is complicated; this is not a thing that we could completely understand like a mathematics equation or something we could test and manipulate like a scientific hypothesis.
It is not merely a religion, it is a faith and faith is not logic. It does is not influenced by our biology, nor will it originate in our intellect, it cannot be enhanced by our passions or diminished by our possessions. Whether we know about it or not, whether we understand it or not whether we believe it or not it is the truth. It is real. He is speaking to us as the creator and He is telling us, it does not matter, that we cannot work it out. It is not simple enough for the human mind, it does not matter that we do not understand everything, we don’t have the full picture and we never will, and that’s okay because we can trust Him, He knows it all, and He loves us.
God tells us to ‘walk by faith and not by sight,’ in 1 Corinthians 5:7, because He knows that sight, our understanding, our wisdom, our hypothesis and our theories will not help us get any closer to truth. There is far more to our existence than what we see, feel, think and understand. Oftentimes our sight is limited because we look for truth in one place, in one dimension or one realm, or whatever else you might like to call it. And when entities of another place, realm or dimension are communicated to us where we are we disbelieve it because it is not something that we have seen before. We value our own sight and knowledge too much to consider the Other.
So the Christian faith believes in God as the creator of the world, although our sight and logic gives us reason to question, and when the reality of the faith appears to be complicated to make sense of. We believe because we have closed our eyes and seen beyond the element that is immediately before us. Our faith helps us to acknowledge that there are other realities in life that we cannot see yet and that we cannot understand yet. This is because they are realities created by the Creator, who told us that the way we think will not comprehend His understanding or His reason.
I’m only just learning that in spite of the things I can see, or test, or understand, it is not these things that should influence my beliefs. We live in an age where everything must have a reason or a purpose, where the answer must be understandable or evidenced, where seeing is believing and for many that is where it ends. Not for me. My faith is not a matter of logic.

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Creative Writing, Flash Fiction, Journal Log's, Literature

A Daughter’s Advice

She told me I was so much more valuable than whatever it was I thought my worth was. Terrence didn’t think that though, or he wouldn’t have left. Apparently I’m supposed to take care of myself, and treat me like a princess and then others would too. When I love myself, and only then, will anyone else be able to love me. If I don’t love myself I don’t value myself and I won’t take any effort to maintain myself. Nobody else will. Apparently.

How am I supposed to do what she says? I’ve tried, I’ve been asked myself that everyday since she went back to uni. It’s all the same. I tried to love myself, I did my hair and nails two days ago, but it’s still the same.

I make myself sick sometimes. I hate looking in the mirror. I got rid of the mirror in the bathroom, because I have to go in there everyday and I just don’t need to see it. Terrence broke the mirror by the front-door, so the reflection it’s a little distorted. I see my face in three parts, it’s like a Cyclopes. No, not Cyclopes, the other one – with the extra eye. Anyway, I don’t care for that mirror, I’m familiar with all of my outfits now anyway.

She told me that my love should come from the inside. Haha, she has no idea how much fresh fruits and vegetables costs. I told her she was having a laugh. They won’t give me any more than 70 something pounds a week. I can’t afford to start loving myself from the inside. I told her that. Then she said that’s not what she means, she wouldn’t let me say anything more because she was in a rush. I’d have asked her how she does it. She’s so jolly all the time and she doesn’t even get 70 something pound a week. She lives in a house with other people. I’ve never gone to see her, but I can imagine. It must be disgusting. And she has this boyfriend, who worships the ground she walks on, apparently. She always gets awkward when I say it like that. Ha, she’s a weird weird being. I’ve never met her boyfriend, but he loves her and so I’m happy for her. I love her she’s my daughter, but I don’t understand why she’s allowed to live this bright pretty little life and I’m stuck here in this grand depressing squat.

She gave me a box once. It was tiny but she said in it was a love letter, some advice, some stories and some poetry. I’m guessing it was from this boyfriend of hers. God knows why she would give it to me. She’s trying to make me jealous. I know it. I shoved that shit under my bed! I ain’t interested. Always asking about it. ‘Have you opened the box yet, have you read the letter.. How you feeling today ma? Go read the letters…’ Neh neh neh.. On and on and on. It’s all she goes on about, it pisses me off. And if it’s not that she’s telling me I should do this and not that. I should think that and not this, I shouldn’t say things like that blah blah blah. Did she give birth to me? Am I missing something? Because this is bullshit!

**
The last time I wrote I cried, all night long. I ignored her calls, she called 33 times before I heard her come it. We sat up and I told her. I told her she pissed me off all the time, and I told her I was the mum and she needed to listen to me, not the other way round. She told me, I was not the mum, she was. I could have punched her. Thank God I didn’t, because what came next was what changed my life. She broke down, like crying, sobbing, bawling and anything else that relates. She never cried before that, I’m sure she stopped crying when she was twelve. I was shocked.

So eventually I opened that box. She nagged me so much that night. She was right; it might have been a small box. But it had everything I ever needed. It’s only been a few months since I last thought about not opening the box, but I’m glad that moment drove me to do so. My whole life has changed, and it will never be the same again. I got mirrors in almost every room. And I’ve thrown out the one Terrence broke and I’ve thrown him out too, but before I did I made a box for him, and hid it amongst his stuff. I’ve written a letter of my own to go with it. He didn’t like my new life. He didn’t like that I had a new love, or a new ‘everything’. But I do, and he couldn’t do anything about it.

I’ve also left a box for you to find. I urge you to open it. It’s helps ease the pain. Even if you don’t feel like your in a place of need. Oh and I’m moving house by the way. It was nice living here in this big house on Diedrich Avenue. It really was but I’m happy to move to a smaller flat on All Saints Way. My daughter and I. She said she will move back in with me. I’m so happy.

Here the box I’m leaving for you.
I’ve written on the spine of it ‘The Holy Bible’ so wherever you put it, you will be able to find it when you need to.

All the best, God bless

Renewe x

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